The Microcosm was a series of essays, "principally written by four young gentlemen of Eton College". See this review for more information. No. XXIX is of unknown authorship.
Vir bonus est quis?
The good man is a Quiz.To Gregory Griffin, Esq
Mr Gregory Griffin,
I FIND, most unfortunately for myself, that I come under the denomination of a quiz. As it is your peculiar province to apply the lash to the little world out of the library, it will be totally unnecessary to offer an apology for this letter, which, it is my most earnest request, may be circulated, especially through the lower school, with all possible expedition.
But before I proceed, it may be thought necessary to give some description of a figure which, my own conscience but too frequently informs me is not,at first sight, by any means agreeable.
I am now forty-nine years of age, and measure four feet eight inches in height. My usual dress is a dark wig without powder, a round gold laced hat, a light blue coat and waistcoat, a pair of black everlasting breeches, and a large muslin neckcloth, which, indeed, has lately been adopted by, and seems the constant ornament of the macaronies of the age.
In my childhood the nurse who took care, or rather who did not take care of me, let master Jacob (for that is my christian name) fall upon the fender which circumstance she, of course, concealed from my parents. Some time elapsed before the discovery was made, and all medical assistance was then ineffectual. The family surgeon looked very grave, and emphatically pronounced that the bones were distorted, and, although I was not yet an adult, it was by no means a recent injury; and that there would be a gibbosity, a preternatural incurvation of the spina dorfi for the remainder of my existence.
Notwithstanding, to please my mother, he gave me a steel machine, made to press principally upon the gibbous part, and afterwards tried a cross and strengthening plaister of oxycroceum and opodeldock, but without effect.
The boys in the village soon began to call me humpy, and in a very short time, I was dignified, by general consent, with the title of my Lord. My father, judging perhaps that my companions at School might banter and make game of my personal desects, procured a clergyman to live in the house in the capacity of tutor; but being himself an excellent classick, he gave up much of his time to superintend the education of his only son. Notwithstanding his paternal fondness and good intentions, I have but too frequently since felt the disadvantage of not having early enjoyed a public introduction into the world. Had my ear been a little more accustomed to the word quiz, I should have no occasion now to intrude myself upon your notice.
But for the sake of perspicuity, it will be necessary to finish the description of my person, before I enter into a detail of the grievances it has caused. It has been, already prefaced, that I was doomed to have a hump-back; at the age of twenty-four a scrophulous humour disfigured a face not naturally resembling that of Adonis. A little time before I reached my twenty-fifth year, two fore teeth were knocked out by a chamber maid in Yorkshire, whom I, after having drank too much, attempted to kiss; and what made this circumstance much more painful, she had a little before, patiently, I might say willingly, submitted her lips to be saluted by a young Officer, who was quartered at that time in the town. My nose soon after began to increase to an enormous size, and is now perfectly unnatural. You may see in it all the colours of the rainbow; but red and purple are particularly conspicuous, and like rivals, are plainly seen, to contend for the superiority. In short, Sternes trumpeter, when he entpred Strasburgh, had a snub to mine in point of size, and an aquiline in point of beauty, for I exceed, Bardolph, the Knight of the burning Lamp.
Riding through Eton about a week ago, with my nose before me,
Nescio quid meditans, nugarum, et totus in illis.
Meditating, indeed, on I know not what, I was awakened from my reverie by several provincial words, the meaning of which were to me, at that time, almost unintelligible; although by the gestures which accompanied them, it was no difficult matter to discover that they were not intended by way of compliment, “There's a quiz! there's a good one! my God ! what a Gig! what a tough one ! Smoke his nose!”
Notwithstanding I perceived that these expressions proceeded from several young Etonians, not one of whom had arrived at the age of thirteen, my indignation was foolishly roused. I long'd for the trumpeters sword, and in the first ebullitions of rage, idly made use of some very hasty expressions. It was lucky for both parties, but more especially for myself, that I had nothing in my hand but a small flexible switch. However, my anger was momentary; I soon collected all my lost philosophy, repeating those lines of Horace, to which theorists often have recourse
animum rege! qui nisi paret
Imperat: hunc fraenis, hunc tu compesce catena.But it was too late, I had provoked the boys to resentment. Several now ran to the head of my beast,
Nex Saxa, nec ullum
Telorum interea cessat genus.Many pieces of mud and some stones were thrown, notwithstanding I advanced safe under cover of my nose, still quizzed and still pelted, till my quadrupede arrived opposite the school-gate. I looked round for a master in vain: No black gown was to be seen. At length an arch boy, with dark brown hair, which hung in ring lets down his back, took up a thistle, which unfortunately lay in the road, and put it under my horse's tail. Can I with temper describe the fatal catastrophe which ensued?—My long-tailed white steed, which is called Surrey, nervous and mettlesome to a degree, immediately began to plunge, putting his head between his legs, neighing, and doing I know not what besides.
I strove strenuously to keep my seat—but
Oh! vain boast,
Who can controul his fate?To be brief, my length was measured upon the ground, and I cut a place in the back part of my head, an inch and an half in length; my brown wig was full of blood; and my light blue coat was so stained, that I have never been able to cover my hump with it again. However, my ludicrous appearance was soon forgotten, and I was carried into a neighbouring shop. Many of the scholars crowded about, offering their services, which I knew not how to decline, though at first, I feared to trust them ; but the unfeigned humanity and attention that were now conspicuous, soon convinced me their conduct was void of duplicity. Some of the larger boys, and one in particular, lifted up his hand to chastize the young criminal who had applied the thistle, but, upon my intercession, politely desisted. White Surrey, after being eased of his burthen, had galloped up Slough-road; however he was brought safe back in a few minutes, my head was bound up, I remounted, and proceeded towards London.
A sight of one of your periodical papers, induced me to address a letter to you, hoping, partly upon a public, and partly upon a private motive, that it may be perused within the walls of the college.
I am confident that you, Mr. Gregory Griffin, was not one of the spectators who beheld my downfall, or it would not have escaped immediate censure from, so able a pen; not that I would be thought one of those starch, unconscionable gentlemen who expect, to see youth blessed with all the benefit of experience, well knowing that it would be as impossible to prescribe limits to the winds, as to forbid a second form boy now and then to smoke a quiz. All I request is, that next time my nose and I come through Eton, the thistle may be omitted; and, as missile weapons are now out of fashion among civilized nations, I particularly deprecate the dirt and stones.
Eton has long been the distinguished seat of politeness as well as learning. One lash from you may perhaps have more effect in softening these last remains, of barbarisin in your republic, than all the birch within ten miles of the precincts of the college. We may all be easily convinced that external appearance is by no means a just criterion by which the merit of a man can be judged. You, Mr. Gregory Griffin, well know, that Alexander the Great, although conqueror of the world, had a personal defect; that Demosthenes had not an agreeable figure; that Mr. Pope was awry; that Horace was a short punch-bellied fellow, in short a tough one; that Voltaire was a good one; and that Socrates himself was a quiz.
I have the honour to be,
Sir,
Your most obedient humble Servant,
London, May 4.
VIR BONUS
My Correspondent's complaint is by no means without foundation; and as Censor General, it is a subject which would not so long have escaped my animadversion, had I not considered that it would come with more propriety from one who had materially suffered from it, and could therefore more feelingly point out its ill consequences.
Every nation has its peculiar antipathies, political or religious; which, on the smallest commotion of the body politic, may be observed to take the lead, and in a great measure direct the sury of the multitude; as in the natural body, the constitutional disease is roused from its dormant state, and is the first to evince its malignity, when the irregularity of the blood gives advantage to its attacks.
But these may generally be traced to their origin; a long series of wars; the distension of families; a bigotted persecution; and frequently natural rivalship, have established the most rooted aversion for each other, in the very genius of nations apparently at peace; and hereditary hostilities have been kept up in the minds of the populace, by connecting them with every idea which naturally has the strongest hold on their feelings. The strange antipathies of our republican to the inoffensive race of Quizzes can be attributed to none of these causes; and it is impossible to account for the persecution of these beings, unless we suppose, that non-resistance only sharpens that rage which ugliness originally provoked. The Quiz, like the Eskimaux, generally seems contended with his humble lot; he eats, drinks, and sleeps, and has, no doubt, in some respects a reasonable soul, which is a privilege many naturalists have denied to the latter.
But, alas, I fear it is more than a Herculean labour to undertake the justification of a bottle nose; or rescue a suit of Dittos from revilings! the populace will still be what it always was; and in spite of the admonitions of Gregory Griffin, a Jackass and a Quiz be persecuted with the same unrelenting severity.
The Microcosm No. XXIX—“Gregory Griffin”